Below are the most recent 25 friends' journal entries.

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Sunday, July 12th, 2009
bonified	1:03p	god so much to report... longest day in a long long time. went to tahoe and was expecting at least a half hour of gambling. but no. apparently i'm still 12 and the fam boycotted the idea.. why? because i might get addicted to gambling since i'm already an addict. DUH. i've been the only person scared of gambling for real money.. this whole time. i want to do the exact thing that you do in reno and what? oh and my brother wanted to do the same thing. whatever. rebecca was right.. should not have expected for this to have any qualities of a vacation. the only good gambling occured when we got off the plane and i made 1 dollar into 6 on video poker. :keith flashback: so we get there and i call it from the start... they're going to be having lunch and this lunch will include drinking. as soon as we get there i see this whole table of beer and i again get pissed that my whole fucking family has no clue how this might affect me. this type of thing i never do. i never cause any kind of issues but my aunt, who is definitely an alcoholic, made the wake for grandma include alcohol, which, since then, has pissed me off. they were planning on it being sober, but then she just through in.. 'no i think there should be beer and wine.' of course my whole lower level siblings get drunk and are drinking right in front of me. luckily they're acting badly and that reinforces what i should remember: i was an idiot when i was drunk. i tried to separate but they didn't get it. the whole thing was just... rude. when i expect it, i expect it, but when it's something where the family knows what ive been through and just dont give a shit. it, for some reason, drives me insane. so we go away from the drinking and sit in this ledge where people are coming in from their pre-paid paddle boats. they all have beer, cold from the river. the weather is overcast so it sucks. doesnt feel like summer, feels like global warming. i go to the bathroom and i see these girls who were wet from getting into the river. i ask if it's cold. and they say 'oh my god it's fucking freezing" and then one of them drunkenly says "but if you get a couple shots in you it's easy.' eye roll.. this is much worse than i expected. can't stop thinking about getting 5 shots and running in the water. jesus that sounds so good right now. i start thinking.. fuck i might seriously go to the bar and order drinks. i can't stop thinking about it. why the fuck can't i have a drink? so my brainwashing actually does something smart for me and i tell my parents i need to get out of there. they think about what to do and while this happens my uncle, the dr, comes over, and he says he's having altitude dizzyness and then comes in with the whopper, "i can't decide whether beer would make it better or worse, what do you think?" at this point my aunt, the good one, is saying sorry to me, he gets it and starts laughing like, aw claire i'm sorry.. haha.. oh well. I just flip out and say.. ya it's ok i just gotta go and push their arms off me and run back to the car. my brother follows me and we both sit on the car thinking about what a fucking travesty this shit has become. i just keep saying, can we go gamble now? can we go do anything other than be in this shitty weather, doing nothing, (which is easy for them cuz they're fucking drunk the way i want to be RIGHT NOW). can we DO SOMETHING? we decide to just leave, find this secluded beach that we've been planning on burying grandma, with the rest of the family staying behind and planning on getting there at 4ish which translates into 5:30. so we're trying to find "mama's favorite beach" and i just keep saying "grandma can you make this trip not suck, please?" we get to the nevada side with a bunch of casinos and i get happy that shit is on it's way to getting better. we dont stop at them though and mom and dad are making me feel like i'm 12. we stop at safeway and my mom somehow convinces me to get some beach toys for the lake. the lake looks awful cuz the weather is so shitty but i think fine fuck it... whatever you want. let's just get this shit done. we continue up the coast looking aimlessly through the mansions covering the beaches, trying to find her favorite beach. BUT BUT BUT BUT suddenly, the clouds clear out. SUDDENLY the lake starts looking crystal clear the way it used to when we visited. everything is in color suddenly, and it's breathtakingly beautiful. we find the beach and hike down to it. apparently since grandma found the beach, they turned it into a nude beach HAHA. i thought this was even more perfect, 'cuz she would laugh her ass off if we told her. but we get there and there were no nude old men. and me and nyle decide we're gonna fucking go into the lake. if nyle hadn't gone ahead of me, i don't know if i would've done it. i go in pretty far and the rocks are killing my feet and i realize, fuck... i've got my watch on. but the thing is kind of broken anyway. so i say goodbye to it and fucking launch it into the lake and jump in. it was soo soo cold. it reminded me of when me, my brother and my mom went to santa monica, almost every day for one summer. this was much much colder. apparently the lake is known for being ridiculously deep so it is constantly cold. it was so refreshing. it was the kind of rush i used to get for doing something nuts like that. the other fam finally shows up and almost exactly when they do the sun becomes almost invisible and white caps form on the water and the wind... the WIND was absolutely freezing. it turned into winter within seconds. then we opened up the ashes and i said something id been planning. it wasn't very good, but i was happy since i didn't get to say anything for the wake. i said something about wondering who you would be in the afterlife, if there is one. would you be you when you're young? would you be you when you have Alzheimers? i said i hoped she joined the everything and it answered all her questions. that her house and her body were just material things.. that we shouldn't hold onto. without her they mean nothing anyway. then everybody else took a handful of the ashes and through them around the beach. me and my dad looked disgusted and we didn't do it. it was so cold and i remembered thinking about that time when i bought my ski jacket and thought.. i am never going to be cold again. i was shaking cuz i was still in my ad hoc swimsuit made out of my spanx and sports bra. hah! then we went drove the rental car back to the airport and nyle and i had the luxury of half an hr with slot machines. wow! and we plotted going to pechanga later that night. then it turned into bruno. then we both realized that we were physically exhausted and went to bed. i still feel sunburned, but it's not showing. my parents said something like: well it's not like you have skin problems or anything? hah! yeah... i know. now after sleeping for about 12 hrs.. i'm almost ready to take a shower. also: i did some really good writing on the plane. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: was listening to CC on the ride home - thought about matt (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 11th, 2009
strongbow	8:35p	(Last) weekend update and big news OK, so this is a bit late, given that it's the next weekend already, but here's the update from last weekend.. Kestrel and I headed down to Austin to visit the folks again for the 4th of July holiday. Kestrel was transferred to another dept that does NOT work on Saturdays, so she got the weekend off when she normally would have had to work. We got in fairly late as we always do when we head out after work. Went to bed, got up the next day and as usual I got put to work fixing all the various computer stuff that broke since I was last down there, including figuring out why Mom's printer stopped working and helping install a wifi range extender. Since I'm running hospitality for the Lone Star Mensa RG this year, Dad took me out to see the facilities so I'll know what I'm working with. On the way we met up with dconnect so he could buy the birthday present he promised for me. Several times in the years I've known him he's claimed he was giving me a computer of one sort or another for my birthday. None of them has ever appeared for various reasons (he always has an excuse. The Sun U10 was classic.) Now, I don't expect my friends to spend that kind of money on me, but I'm not going to say no either when one offers to buy me a Netbook. So this time Martin actually came through and he bought me an HP Mini 1000 1030NR. He had another event to attend so we parted at Frys and Dad took me to the hotel to check out the hospitality facilities. ( Read more... ) Current Music: Toto's Africa by Perpetuum Jazzile, performed live at Vokal Xtravaganzza 2008 (7 Comments |Comment on this)
ladykalessia	12:48a	And I'm sitting here idly wiping photo-shoot foundation off, and hearing a salsa beat in the hum and throb of the dishwasher. Time to sleep, gah. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 10th, 2009
bonified	4:25p	oh well instead of going up today alone i'm flying with the fam tomorrow. should be entertaining to say the least. today was one of the most boring days of my life. i looked for jobs and found a couple but not that many. i really really need to get started on SOMETHING. hopefully work. Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
bonified	1:09a	contact is on.... best movie ever exactly the thing to watch when contemplating god. tahoe by my lonesome. strangely can't wait. gambling and middle of california, bad radio and meditation. i love it. Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
strongbow	3:06a	domestic violence Just got woken up by the neghbors. Let one use my phone to call 911. Police are here now. He's clearly drunk. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 9th, 2009
bonified	11:30p	tahoe or no go.... sometimes i really really want to be a mommy. a good one. one with love and care. i wonder if my mom is an impediment in being a good mom, or a heads up on what to avoid. family was everything to grandma. she would be sad if i missed it. Current Mood: confused Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
bonified	3:18p	1st step pt 2 what do i see as a relapse? alex is always throwing me curveball questions like this reminding me i live an unexamined life. I had a dream i took mushrooms the other night. if i did them in reality, i wouldnt call it a relapse. i don't even like mushrooms.but more importantly the high is not an escape or fun... it can be, but it's more of a journey. it's a spiritual experience, or usually is. i almost always had bad trips so i don't miss it... it makes you lose all control, which is another reason i didn't like it. the ocd in me freaks out. but other things that aren't mushrooms like e. if i werent on an insane amount of antidepressants and could actually do e, i wouldnt consider that a relapse either. it's a singular experience. not addictive. and it's more of a journey, too. but its easy for me to say that knowing i can't take it. vikoden,xanax,or even codeine def relapses. downers made me feel more in control, because my anxiety was so awful. drinking... duh. the bigger question is whether my change is due to aa or to the medicines they put me on to control my anxiety. i know two things: 1. i was def physically addicted to alcohol. 2. this was in part because i was dealing with my anxiety by drinking. however the alcohol MADE ME sick spiritually (isolated and only saw things that made me see no point to anything and made me see life as a game i didn't want to play, with people i didn't relate to), physically (my stomach), and emotionally(bi-polar), because of the alcohol. i guess what i can get from this is that regardless of why, i still am an alcoholic (addicted to alcohol). AA has helped re-establish myself as myself. given me people i relate to. that will always be true. whether i have problems with other aspects of the dogma of aa. i must always remember that everything i had before in my life was shit. and everything i have now is mine. not a result of me drinking. and it is better than it's ever been. Current Mood: awake Current Music: postal service - forgot about them (Comment on this)
ladykalessia	2:16p	Thanks guys, really. I was making a joke, and instead I get the rundown on how much I really *don't* know about this stuff. Way to make a girl feel useful. Nothing like realizing that you'd need to go back to school just to get the crap job that's out there. Can I just have my old job back? I was really good at it. Current Mood: hook-ringed (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
peachke	8:52p	Aw mannn, my laptop died So I think my power supply is dead. I thought at first that it was a problem with my power cord, but I bought a new power cord and my laptop won't start up when I press the power button, and it won't even start up after I did the recommended "power reset" thing. So I'm just going to use this post to do a little accounting of what's lost and what's backed up, work out some of my worries, etc. I'm hoping that my hard drive is okay--if it isn't, I have the originals of the newest artwork and all my comics are backed up. The old art I only have a few hi-res files for, but the files for green tiger and Casanova are enough to satisfy me. (A little sad if I lost the gramophone/morning glory one though.) I'll be bummed to lose my music, although I can use last.fm to figure out what used to be in my library, and I'll be extra bummed to lose some of the scanlations I've collected, which I'll never be able to find again in the mess of awful manga out there. Well! I suppose if I can't remember the name it probably wasn't that good anyway. I'll know for sure when I get back to Thousand Oaks what's up with my laptop--so, in three days. I'm worried, but having laid out what I will lose and what I won't lose, it doesn't seem like as much of a disaster as it seemed at first. In the meantime I will continue to be laptopless, relying entirely on my iPhone. Sorry about any delays in communication during this time! Posted via LiveJournal.app. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
ladykalessia	2:18p	Symptomatic of my monthlong inability to focus: I went out to the studio ostensibly to play around with some shiny new pen nibs. I returned an hour later, with three pairs of mended trousers, and some ironing done. If I seem a bit out of it lately, it's because I am. I feel like my brain is running some sort of indexing process in the background, taking up all the cycles with no noticeable result, and having a detrimental effect on realtime performance. I sat down to write last night and totally failed to get the storyitch twitching behind my eyes out on the keyboard, and when I woke up this morning it was gone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
bonified	2:11p	ahhh not being on the patch day 4 is driving me insane (Comment on this)
ladykalessia	12:29a	Oh, and: The red and black lozenge tightlacing cincher is done, and OMG SQUEE. It is *the* most comfortable cincher I've worn to date, and the line it gives me is absolutely stunning. Holycrap! (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
bonified	5:15p	-revise 2- Im cleaning out my piece of shit car with my ass hanging out and a book called supersex is visible to the woman who is pulling cans out of the trash she pretends not to notice and i find these cans of old food and think is it wrong to give this to her? it's not horrible it's not molded. just old cans. the snob is pouring out of my mind faster than i can pick it up so i give it to her and she's actually happy with it that makes my day I look at the cans she's found from my trash we both look ashamed at those idiots who don't recycle but those people are actually with me in the house behind me maybe she thinks i'm a neighbor the one who's nice and gives good food to people down on their luck and who takes the time to separate the recycling even when it isn't yours but i;m not and she moves on in the dying sunlight of the los angeles skyline she moves with more grace than i blahblah blah i dont think this one is salvagable. Current Music: poker face gaga (Comment on this)
bonified	4:59p	that last one was awful -the slutty whore in me- find me on the stage the place where i hide isn't my insides fine me on the stage makeup mask and spotlights wearing a fedora on its side black pants and white shirts i'm not looking for romance high heels and knee highs a garder for your thoughts i'm not interested if you're not a fox make me pay i'll love it i'm not interested in what you have to say so make it good i've been waiting awhile and i'm sick of playing nice pull my hair i may look fair but i want all that you've got tonight (Comment on this)
strongbow	3:29p	On the ground in Philly Will post the "weekend" post I've been meaning to do for 2 days later. Must get a cheese steak some time while I'm here. Current Mood: hungry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
bonified	12:16a	my keith style poem and im cleaningout my piece of shit car with my ass hanging out and a book called supersex is visible to the woman who is pulling cans out of the trash she pretends not to notice and i find these cans of old food and think is it wrong to give this to her? it's not horrible it's not molded. just old cans. ever since those browned apples that appeared in my bags at lunch old food can be mushy, sour and old-tasting i give up and think well some people eat dogfood and that makes this like a dogfood sunday with a cherry made out of your own poop. i give it to her and she's totally happy with it though and that makes my day I look at the cans she's found from my trash we both look ashamed at those idiots who don't recycle but those people are actually with me in the house behind me maybe she thinks i'm a neighbor the one who's nice and gives good food to people down on their luck and who takes the time to separate the recycling even when it isn't yours but i;m not and she moves on in the dying sunlight of the los angeles skyline the contrast makes her more interesting as she walks like a snake moving slowly. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 6th, 2009
bonified	11:23p	today was fairly eventful for once went to UCLA with dad and worked on sonny's blues. interviewing a professor there on the story. it was actually exciting. i forget how much i used to enjoy reading fiction. the story was pretty much an accompaniment/outgrowth to native son, which i love. the thing that really stuck with me was the idea that lower classes and alcoholism often go hand in hand. i've been feeling that a lot recently, specifically with these meetings with people who are so, cough white trash cough. the professor was amazing. shocking even. I could not believe that he could improvise so well on such complex material. made me rethink this PHD idea... again. ANd it was at UCLA, which i love. Then came back. The boys thought i relapsed cuz i missed mtg and stayed at parents last night. shafter seemed to think something was up. then i tested positive for fucking opiates. wtf. and then i freaked out that my camera got stolen so i cleaned out my car. *this is turning into one of those blogs where you talk about what peanut butter you used in your sandwich* cringe* so anyway... played basketball and poker.. then didn't go to a mtg. i am totally gonna relapse if i don't start going to more mtgs. i missed sat, sun and now mon. ahh that's bad. fuck. wrote a song. off the patch. could i make this more boring? no.. no i can't Current Mood: content Current Music: family guy (Comment on this)
ladykalessia	12:56a	4th of July - woo I'm friggin' exhausted, and it somehow got to be one in the morning, so I'll sum up: Friday, ran up to the City at a sort of dumb hour of the morning, and spent all day loading shells for electric fire on the SF Municipal pier. Fun times, realized that Charlie from Ceilidh does pyro too, and got to see some 1.2G mortars. By which I mean, got to haul around some big freaking rusty lengths of metal pipe, and watch someone else put them into barrels of sand. Skipped Baxtalo Drom and went to Alameda for dinner with Josh and ostensibly a movie - but Alameda movietimes didn't mesh with our schedule and we ended up just walking up and down Park street and chatting. Quelle interessant, I know. Crashed at Auntie and Sherman's place, slept like a log. Saturday morning, woke up at oh-dumb-thirty, showered, and put on my newly-altered Spring Dress. Brownie and tea were had, and then off to parade site, where we ran through some of the choreographies for grand march on the run. Some float up from us ended up playing Michael Jackson, which led to us all doing the Night Fever in our Victorians, for the public. Yes, we may do Victorian ballroom at Fezzis, but we are first and foremost *historical* dancers, and the term doesn't descriminate. The 70's were a historical period, too. The parade went well enough, though we have some tuning to do on the playlist/logistics front if we're not going to have a dance-on platform truch next year. Who knows. It was fun, and exhausting, and did I mention exhausting? Oh, and ran nearly an hour late. By the time I'd picked up Josh (driving, still in corset and splits and modesty petticoat), changed out and got on the road it was already 2-ish. We stopped at In-N-Out burger and I scarfed a burger and fries (with extra salt), remembering belatedly that I had eaten a filched brownie and some tea for breakfast. Oops. Made it into San Jose for pyro about 45 minutes late, but dad was even later. The racks were already built, thanks to Jeff and his nailgun. (Which we were later to regret. Siiiigh.) Argh, and I'm falling asleep. So this'll have to be fast: Josh shot his first show, Dad shot his first hand-fire show. Food good, pyro good. Sleeping in good. Pyro tonight too. More 3" shells, one flowerpot and one delay-fire. Cold evening, smaller show. Make sure to nail racks with duplex only, or else spend all the time saved in hammering out the cleats. Bleh. Home, tired as hell, going to sleep now. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 5th, 2009
peachke	9:20p	Fumbling thoughts on writing Writing--especially for a long-form project--is substantially harder than I expected. I was used to "writers" who wanted artists, coders, and musicians to help them on their game, and their role was to be the "idea man" of course (and the ideas were inevitably awful). But I'm really starting to see the work and effort involved for real writers--I'm sure writers enjoy it the way I enjoy fiddly details of inking hair and fabric, but it seems so difficult to hammer out the details of plot and characterization. It bothers me that I don't have the storytelling urge normal writers seem to have, and since it's relatively easy for a drawing comics creator to get published in some form, I feel distinctly inadequate comparing my feeble published efforts to published writers. But I do want to keep trying and working at it--there are feelings, emotional payoffs, scenes I want to do that a single static image simply can't express. I adored Jimmy Corrigan not so much for its story but for the scene where Jimmy cuts into his father's back with a shard of broken glass, and for the bird's movements on and off branches, and the small town landscapes, and the wasp landing on the grandmother's forehead, and the light from the lamp being cut off and floating away, out the window. (I suppose it's like a series of visual poems. Fuck, I always was better at poetry than prose.) But obv. the craft of storytelling is important, because those emotional payoffs aren't going to come if I can't pull the strings right. Oh, it's so hard, but so rewarding. It's worth it, right? Even if I'm not wired the way normal writers are? I feel awfully insecure about that. Posted via LiveJournal.app. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
bonified	2:04a	epiphone of the day poker = life. i think people are always bluffing, cuz im always bluffing. my poker face is pretty good. (Comment on this)
bonified	1:54a	the hive is breathing inside me it's saying we keep you alive take one for the team i look around and see theres so much shit i just concede i don't get it electronics, light bulbs i just don't understand like shirts - even t-shirts i could never make could i sit there and milk a cow to make butter? fuck no we rely on faith every moment of every day yet i refuse to pray the hive is taunting me again 'you think you're an individual?!' they say i'm alive and i have so many unanswered questions and the supernatural magician doesn't respond i don't feel wrong im supposed to trust you over myself? the hive that produces conflict? my eyes don't decieve easily. i don't see you walking on water i don't see the parting of the sea but i see the same lights as you on the vegas strip at midnight. the hive or my eyes i just don't know waiting for a sign Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
bonified	1:39a	round 2.. fixing up old stuff the hive is breathing inside me it's saying we keep you alive take one for the team i look around and see theres so much shit i just concede i don't get it electronics, light bulbs i just don't understand like shirts - even t-shirts i could never make could i sit there and milk a cow to make butter? fuck no we rely on faith every moment of every day yet i refuse to pray the hive is taunting me again 'you think you're an individual?!' they say i'm alive and i have so many unanswered questions and the supernatural magician doesn't respond i don't feel wrong leaving me content Current Music: gaga (Comment on this)
bonified	1:27a	while the drugs kick in... with one eye.. listening to meatloaf i've been facing the confines of a broken space and changing is in the cards tonight i've got lists of things i've been trying to retrace and they say the things that i can't pray they say it's time to replace a selfish soul a solo abode i'm not afraid anymore i'm not ready for your fake your devine hands you but i can do it find me underneath myself wash away the creases make me whole. i'm ready it's been long enough without hope i can guide me to the distance the place we all will go i can do it take away the pain. make it go away. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: objects in the rearview mirror (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 4th, 2009
bonified	11:05a	god my eye is so blurry and getting worse i am dreading the er but im gonna go in pretty soon. i talked to keith last night. i called and hung up and then forced myself to call back. i figured he probably knew who it was and if he wanted to talk hed pick up. i play such weird games. he seemed happy to talk to me and was actually nice and sweet. he reminded me how much i missed him. he mentioned something about a coworker and i got sad. shes probably the girl he was seeing. i had a nightmare i luckily got woken up from about him and his friends. specifically amber (?) being a bitch to me. but in the dream he wanted me back and i was happy. he just had a bunch of random bitches he had to break up with. it was kind of a matt flashback. he knew he wanted to be with me, but he had a gf, we were together, went home to break up with her, then called me telling me he had sex with her.. and i lost it. but we got back together cuz what we had was special. we both still remember that what we had was special. i just refuse to believe he understands how to deal with problems constructively without cheating when the relationship hits a rough patch. he's cheated on all his gf's since me. it's just his nature. when he gets scared he cheats to save face or something. but matt is two people anyway... drunk and sober matt... it's weird how easy it is to spot my alcoholic brethren.. andy, matt, eric, keith, rhiannon, there are more girls i just forget. today i should go to the er and finish my 4th step... this time including the real stuff.. the fucked up awful stuff. if my eye is still in tact. anyway... i miss keith.. i wish he could but he can't and i couldnt if he slept with someone else. it would just feel cheap. Current Mood: grateful (Comment on this)

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